THE APOLOGY

I know that there is a famous written work entitled “The Apology” written by Plato.  I hope no one confuses this piece with that!

One of the worst aspects of a written on-line public “thing” like this “blog” is that you can find yourself with “egg on your face” and a lot worse than that!

This afternoon, Monday, May 29, was a profoundly significant one for me.  I can say that God spoke to me.  No, I did not hear anything audibly.  I did not see any angels or any great supernatural manifestations.  But as I cut my lawn in the hot sun, it was as though Jesus walked with me by that mower.  We had a powerful dialogue.  I am aware that I have struggled with great anger, depression, and negativity (particularly) over the last five weeks or so.  It’s difficult to write this, but I’m sorry for writing some things that I know had to have been very difficult to read.  I know there were a few entries that reeked of cynicism and self-pity.  For that, I’m sorry.

But, to use an expression of Joanne Lincoln from our church, “It’s not all bad.”  And it’s not.  In our culture, an “apology” means saying you’re sorry, and I am.  But in the culture of Plato, it means a defense.  In that sense, “it’s not all bad” because it helps some of you to realize how human pastors are.  The philosophy of ministry that was common in Protestant churches and ministers up until only about fifteen or twenty years ago was that the pastor was PERFECT; well, ALMOST PERFECT.  He very rarely did anything wrong.  He always had perfect faith.  He always said and did just the right thing.  Many of us remember “perfect” clergymen like that.  But it was an act.  It wasn’t real.

No, I don’t struggle with alcohol or extramarital sex or any of that stuff.  But I DO (at times) struggle with great depression and cynicism and anger.  For whatever reason, it’s been really bad over the past five weeks.  When I’m “in that place” I honestly don’t think I’m all that bad.  I’ll even get very defensive and angry if somebody tries to tell me I’m too negative.  Today, I was able to see it for what it was and to (just like an alcoholic) admit I was powerless over it and ask God for help one day at a time.  I do feel a lot better.

Several years ago, Rev. Dick Germaine complimented me for always smiling and for being such a cheerful, upbeat person.  I was embarrassed, but I knew that so often that’s NOT what I’m like.  Ironically, my struggles with depression, cynicism, and even despair and hopelessness tend to ultimately (that is, later on) produce some of my very best public speaking and writing.  The thing about “the tears of a clown” is true.  Really effective stand up comedians and performers can really struggle with the stuff I’ve talked about.

Some of you will not understand this, but what REALLY goes on with me is a spiritual battle.  When I’m truly at my best, I’m a very effective speaker, writer, and “exhorter”.  There are some people whose very lives have been markedly changed and improved because of having known me.  (Listen, I know when I’m THAT effective it’s God’s gifting, not anything of me.)  I’ve been told I have some very special gifts- and I really do.  Satan knows that.  His purpose is to get me worried about virtually everything and to even cause me to despise myself and lapse into cynicism, depression, and anger.

Whoever your pastor is, he faces battles and temptations.  They may be totally different from mine- they probably are...but he does.  Pray for him (or her). The devil wants to “take out” as many pastors as he can.  

As I told my wife a little while ago, I can’t promise I won’t lapse into depression and all the rest again.  But I’m really endeavoring to keep my eyes on Jesus and do things his way.  He made a great lawn mowing companion today!

My Scripture for this entry is I John 1:9.