SURVIVOR'S GUILT

"Now about that time Herod the king stretched forth his hands to vex certain of the church.
And he killed James the brother of John with the sword." (Acts 12:1-2)

That passage from the Book of Acts speaks of James the brother of John. James and John, the Sons of Zebedee, were not only among the Twelve Apostles appointed by Jesus, but were among the three key men being trained by Jesus to lead the Church for the First Century...specifically, Peter, James, and John. It had to have been a real shock when James was killed. There was no miracle to stop his being killed. There was no raising from the dead. He was one of the early Church's "big three",and it happened rather early in the history of the Church. I wonder how the Church at the time felt, and I especially wonder how his brother John felt. In fact, John lived for decades after this to be a very old man. John was the only one of the Twelve Apostles to die a natural death. Do you suppose John the Son of Zebedee experienced what is called "Survivor's Guilt"?

The topic of Survivor's Guilt is on my mind today because of a television news story I heard this morning. People in Monson, Massachusetts whose houses were NOT destroyed by the tornado feel guilty because their houses are O.K. and many of their neighbors'and friends' are not. Jim Braude from New England Cable News described walking down one Monson street last Friday. He said he was amazed because on the same street you'd see some houses where the roof was blown off and some windows were blown out; you'd see some places there all that existed was a pile of rubble where a house had once stood; and you'd see SOME houses which appeared to be normal and untouched. That's the irony of having a community hit by an EF-3 tornado. (The tornado that hit Joplin, Missouri was much larger and much more powerful. There, whole neighborhoods were completely wiped out.) Hurricanes typically DON'T leave the kind of random destruction that tornadoes do. Back in 1992 when Category 5 Hurricane Andrew hit south Florida, the town of Homestead was pretty much 100% devastated. Everybody's houses were badly damaged. It was an equal opportunity disaster. I can well understand that if I lived in Monson and my residence was unscathed by the twister, I'd feel uncomfortable, and, well, kind of guilty.

I have a Survivor's Guilt about my brother Eddie's death. Eddie was only eighteen months younger than me. We essentially grew up together. We each learned to ride bikes around the same time. We played with the same group of kids. We were at Dean S. Luce Elementary School together. I remember us being in the same swimming class when I was 8 and he was 6. I was never as physically fit or athletic, so although we were two years apart, I had already flunked the Beginner class once or twice, and it was Eddie's first time. I even remember Eddie compassionately telling Mrs. Harrington the swimming instructor, "Bobby's afraid to do the dog paddle". In a way I wanted to shoot him, but he was honest, and just didn't want me to have a bad experience. By the time we were young adults Eddie could take any engine apart and put it back together again and I could barely tell a Phillips head screwdriver from a slotted one; I could speak in public and write almost effortlessly, and these areas were very difficult for Eddie. Eddie excelled in Math, and I was still counting on my fingers! But it was Eddie who struggled off and on with substance abuse, and who collapsed in late June of 1983 and died about two weeks later. I inherited my father's automobite memorabalia collection. It WOULD have gone to Eddie had he lived. I had three kids and today I have a grandson. Eddie never lived to have kids. You might be surprised at how often Eddie is still in my dreams at night and how often he crosses my mind. There's a very real Survivor's Guilt that I have about Eddie.

Some modern psychologists teach that virtually all guilt is bad. They see religion and the Bible as repressive and denying men and women's, well...HUMANITY! They see premarital and extramarital sex, as well as gay sex as no big deal. They see lying as a necessity, and heavy duty swearing as emotionally healthy. I don't agree. A lot of guilt is GOOD. It confronts us that there's a better and higher way to live; and I believe as a Christian that it shows us how far we all fall short and why we need the grace, mercy and love of God to save us. But some guilt IS bad. To be depressed and tormented because you survived a terrible event...or because your house was unscathed and you neighbor's was destroyed, IS not healthy.

Instead of Survivor's Guilt, we need more of a Survivor's REFLECTION. There is nothing I can do about Eddie's death at 27 in 1983. Nothing. It's beyond my control. But this and other deaths can remind me how SHORT life is. At Eddie's death, one man remarked to me, "Whether we die at 27 or at 72, life is very short." It's true. Rather than sit around contemplating our navels and feeling guilty, we need to make the most of every day and make a postive impact on our world every day. If our house was not destroyed, we can help someone whose house was destroyed and we can be extra grateful for our own house with its termites, and deteriorating staircase and leaky basement. It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?

Do you remember that Old Testament story of David and Bathsheba? There's much about that which has been preached about and dramatized. But there's a part of the story you may have forgotten. Bathsheba conceived a child from her sexual encounter with David. She gave birth nine months later. But the child was very sick and in distress. David was distraught. He fasted and prayed for the baby to be healed and live. He prayed like he'd never prayed before. The child died. David's advisors and closest friends were concerned that David would not be able to handle this death...that he "might go off the deep end" as it were. But David, in 2 Samuel 12:23 made a profound statement. He'd gotten cleaned up, eaten, and cheered up a bit. David said, "One day I will go to him, but he cannot come to me." David wasn't torn apart by Survivor's Guilt. The baby was in the Lord's hands in eternity. One day, on the other side, David and his son would meet again. David went on to live a productive life.

I imagine that teenage girl whose mother died in that bathtup may struggle with Survivor's Guilt. But her mother certainly did not give her life to save her so she'd spend the remainder of her life distraught and guilt ridden. Mom would want that girl to live a productive, joyful, and full life. I hope and pray she does that! It would be the greatest tribute she could give her mother.

Every day is a gift from God. Much of what happens in life is hard to understand, and much of it will never make sense in this life. Why DID my brother die so young? Why DID Monson get so devastated by those tornadoes? Why not Webster or Framingham? And for that matter, why was much of Joplin, Missouri destroyed by that tornado and not Springfield, Missouri where my daugther, son-in-law and grandson live? We can never be sure of tomorrow. But we can recognize each day as a gift from God and go forth, NOT in guilt, but in gratitude.