“For he supposed his brethren would have understood how that God by his hand would deliver them: but they understood not.” (Acts 7:25)
“For neither did his brethren believe in him.” (John 7:5)
I have a sort of bizarre sense of humor. When I watch professional comedians such as those on “Last Comic Standing”, 90% of what they say does not strike me funny at all. I just sit there being serious and thinking, “So what?”. But let a guy sporting a bad toupee and an out of style necktie come walking by me on a commuter train, and I’ll be laughing so hard the tears will be running down my cheeks! Thus, there are a number of comedy films which I don’t find particularly funny, but a line from a “dramedy” may resonate with me. Such is the line from the Tom Hanks movie, “The Terminal”. I LOVE when the Indian janitor keeps saying, (with that accent straight from Bombay) “And DO you have an APPOINTMENT?!” You’d have to have seen “The Terminal” to appreciate this, but that’s what I’m thinking of as I begin writing, “And DO you have an APPOINTMENT?!”
I know it’s very important for me to keep my “appointment” lest I collapse in disappointment. The “appointment” I’m writing about is precious devotional time with my Lord, Jesus Christ, and it is PRECIOUS. As the old song says,
“And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known!” AMEN!
The past seven or eight days for me have been an emotional rollercoaster. As much as I try to act “mature” “sensible” and “professional”, and I DO try, the “real” Bob Baril is a very sensitive and very easily emotionally wounded guy. Did you hear that “girly guy” who was “tased” at the University of Florida yelling “ow, ow, ow, ow, OW, OW, OOWW, OOOWWW!!!!” last week? Well, admittedly he did not sound very macho, so I’m somewhat hesitant to admit this, but if I could verbalize how I’ve felt several times emotionally this past week, it would HAVE to be, “ow, ow, ow, ow, OW, OW, OOWW, OOOWWW!!!!” On the one hand I’ve had some WONDERFUL things happen in the past week or so. I DID have a great “fun” day off in Boston last Thursday. I DID have a great “Pizza Birthday Bash” at our church last Wednesday night. I DID lead a great Bible Study last Friday night. I DID lead a great Men’s Group (thanks to a wonderful video presentation by Pastor Jim Cymbola of The Brooklyn Tabernacle) on Saturday morning. But, in the words of the Apostle Paul in Romans chapter 7, “The things that I hate are the things that I do.” One of the biggest mistakes I continually make is that I EXPECT people to just LOVE me....to be captivated by my opinions and comments....to be on the edge of their seats waiting to hear what I have to say. Is that “narcissism”? Well, I guess it is. I do know THAT sort of thinking CAN be VERY dangerous. It can set you up for a big fall (or many big falls). It’s a stupid and unrealistic and very irresponsible way to think. I’d tell that to anyone else who had the same problem. So WHY do I continue to fall back into that way of thinking? I’m not sure.
Did you ever watch the animated FOX series, “King of the Hill”? If you have, then you’ve seen the character “Bobby Hill”. Bobby Hill is supposed to be about 13 and an 8th grader. He’s overweight. He’s VERY out of shape and VERY unathletic. He’s lazy. Yet, he loves “campy” entertainment, magic shows, and stuff like that. He fancies himself to be a professional comedian. He THINKS he is extremely cool. Well, he’s a nice and likable kid, but he IS lazy and unathletic and not cool. As a kid I was a LOT like Bobby Hill. A LOT.
I was TERRIBLE at sports. I was laughed at playing sports on more than one occasion. My father and my brother were “crackerjack” auto mechanics. I still can’t really handle a wrench. What I had going for me was I was a great story teller, I had a great speaking voice, and I also loved to sing. In elementary school I was the class clown, doing impersonations of the teachers, singing pop songs, and telling jokes. I really thought lots of people liked me.
At puberty, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized people were not laughing WITH me...they were laughing AT me. I was not cool and I was never going to be cool. Honestly, it was devastating. In high school, especially the first two years, I was very much in the background. I did play clarinet in the high school band, and I did have a small circle of friends, but I kind of wanted to be INVISIBLE. I became happiest when I was home totally by myself, either watching television, reading, or listening to Top 40 music. The description under my Senior year photo said “RESERVED...talented member of the C.H.S. band”.
I WAS “reserved”. I was not going to be rejected or laughed at again.
Well, it’s a long way from 1972 to 2007...or maybe it isn’t. As I wrote above, I can get pretty hurt and disappointed. I’m a fantastic public speaker. Really. I listen to some of my preaching tapes, and ...honestly.... they’re GREAT. But my problem is that whole, “professional, businesslike, mature” thing. I just keep trying, and I just keep striking out!
Last week a few disappointing things happened to me ... one big one in particular. I don’t feel at liberty to say what they were, so THAT part I will just havet to keep to myuself. In the past few days, I’ve had to do a lot of thinking and a lot of reevaluating about a lot of things. I thought of people who have left the church over the past ten years, many saying very cutting and critical things to me as they left. I thought of my puberty years where I realized I was NOT thought of as funny, and I shut down emotionally. Most people would NEVER suspect this to see me on the OUTSIDE but I’ve really struggled in the past few days with just wanting to shut down emotionally. Yes, old wounds have been opened up, and there has been LOTS of pain. Yup, like that U. of F. kid, “ow, ow, ow, ow, OW, OW, OOWW, OOOWWW!!!!”
But THEN I’ve remembered... (remembering with a Bombay, India accent and all) , “I DO have an APPOINTMENT!” My “appointment” is my calling from the Lord and my relationship with Him. Actually, the thing that made my last two years of high school SOMEWHAT better and my young adult years “way better” than they would have been otherwise is my relationship with God. To those of you who have a close relationship with God , no explanation is necessary for what I’m writing about....to those of you who do NOT have a close relationship with God, no explanation is possible.
I don’t know why God made me unathletic, uncool, and not mechanically inclined. I don’t know why God made me eccentric and kind of childlike. I DO know this “personality” has DRIVEN me straight into the arms of Jesus many times, and I do know that I’ve been able to very effectively minister to a lot of lonely and hurting people.
What was the purpose of this piece?
Well, it WAS therapeutic for me to write it, and it was transparent. If somehow SOMETHING about it ministers to somebody, that will be very good.
“For neither did his brethren believe in him.” (John 7:5)
I have a sort of bizarre sense of humor. When I watch professional comedians such as those on “Last Comic Standing”, 90% of what they say does not strike me funny at all. I just sit there being serious and thinking, “So what?”. But let a guy sporting a bad toupee and an out of style necktie come walking by me on a commuter train, and I’ll be laughing so hard the tears will be running down my cheeks! Thus, there are a number of comedy films which I don’t find particularly funny, but a line from a “dramedy” may resonate with me. Such is the line from the Tom Hanks movie, “The Terminal”. I LOVE when the Indian janitor keeps saying, (with that accent straight from Bombay) “And DO you have an APPOINTMENT?!” You’d have to have seen “The Terminal” to appreciate this, but that’s what I’m thinking of as I begin writing, “And DO you have an APPOINTMENT?!”
I know it’s very important for me to keep my “appointment” lest I collapse in disappointment. The “appointment” I’m writing about is precious devotional time with my Lord, Jesus Christ, and it is PRECIOUS. As the old song says,
“And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known!” AMEN!
The past seven or eight days for me have been an emotional rollercoaster. As much as I try to act “mature” “sensible” and “professional”, and I DO try, the “real” Bob Baril is a very sensitive and very easily emotionally wounded guy. Did you hear that “girly guy” who was “tased” at the University of Florida yelling “ow, ow, ow, ow, OW, OW, OOWW, OOOWWW!!!!” last week? Well, admittedly he did not sound very macho, so I’m somewhat hesitant to admit this, but if I could verbalize how I’ve felt several times emotionally this past week, it would HAVE to be, “ow, ow, ow, ow, OW, OW, OOWW, OOOWWW!!!!” On the one hand I’ve had some WONDERFUL things happen in the past week or so. I DID have a great “fun” day off in Boston last Thursday. I DID have a great “Pizza Birthday Bash” at our church last Wednesday night. I DID lead a great Bible Study last Friday night. I DID lead a great Men’s Group (thanks to a wonderful video presentation by Pastor Jim Cymbola of The Brooklyn Tabernacle) on Saturday morning. But, in the words of the Apostle Paul in Romans chapter 7, “The things that I hate are the things that I do.” One of the biggest mistakes I continually make is that I EXPECT people to just LOVE me....to be captivated by my opinions and comments....to be on the edge of their seats waiting to hear what I have to say. Is that “narcissism”? Well, I guess it is. I do know THAT sort of thinking CAN be VERY dangerous. It can set you up for a big fall (or many big falls). It’s a stupid and unrealistic and very irresponsible way to think. I’d tell that to anyone else who had the same problem. So WHY do I continue to fall back into that way of thinking? I’m not sure.
Did you ever watch the animated FOX series, “King of the Hill”? If you have, then you’ve seen the character “Bobby Hill”. Bobby Hill is supposed to be about 13 and an 8th grader. He’s overweight. He’s VERY out of shape and VERY unathletic. He’s lazy. Yet, he loves “campy” entertainment, magic shows, and stuff like that. He fancies himself to be a professional comedian. He THINKS he is extremely cool. Well, he’s a nice and likable kid, but he IS lazy and unathletic and not cool. As a kid I was a LOT like Bobby Hill. A LOT.
I was TERRIBLE at sports. I was laughed at playing sports on more than one occasion. My father and my brother were “crackerjack” auto mechanics. I still can’t really handle a wrench. What I had going for me was I was a great story teller, I had a great speaking voice, and I also loved to sing. In elementary school I was the class clown, doing impersonations of the teachers, singing pop songs, and telling jokes. I really thought lots of people liked me.
At puberty, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized people were not laughing WITH me...they were laughing AT me. I was not cool and I was never going to be cool. Honestly, it was devastating. In high school, especially the first two years, I was very much in the background. I did play clarinet in the high school band, and I did have a small circle of friends, but I kind of wanted to be INVISIBLE. I became happiest when I was home totally by myself, either watching television, reading, or listening to Top 40 music. The description under my Senior year photo said “RESERVED...talented member of the C.H.S. band”.
I WAS “reserved”. I was not going to be rejected or laughed at again.
Well, it’s a long way from 1972 to 2007...or maybe it isn’t. As I wrote above, I can get pretty hurt and disappointed. I’m a fantastic public speaker. Really. I listen to some of my preaching tapes, and ...honestly.... they’re GREAT. But my problem is that whole, “professional, businesslike, mature” thing. I just keep trying, and I just keep striking out!
Last week a few disappointing things happened to me ... one big one in particular. I don’t feel at liberty to say what they were, so THAT part I will just havet to keep to myuself. In the past few days, I’ve had to do a lot of thinking and a lot of reevaluating about a lot of things. I thought of people who have left the church over the past ten years, many saying very cutting and critical things to me as they left. I thought of my puberty years where I realized I was NOT thought of as funny, and I shut down emotionally. Most people would NEVER suspect this to see me on the OUTSIDE but I’ve really struggled in the past few days with just wanting to shut down emotionally. Yes, old wounds have been opened up, and there has been LOTS of pain. Yup, like that U. of F. kid, “ow, ow, ow, ow, OW, OW, OOWW, OOOWWW!!!!”
But THEN I’ve remembered... (remembering with a Bombay, India accent and all) , “I DO have an APPOINTMENT!” My “appointment” is my calling from the Lord and my relationship with Him. Actually, the thing that made my last two years of high school SOMEWHAT better and my young adult years “way better” than they would have been otherwise is my relationship with God. To those of you who have a close relationship with God , no explanation is necessary for what I’m writing about....to those of you who do NOT have a close relationship with God, no explanation is possible.
I don’t know why God made me unathletic, uncool, and not mechanically inclined. I don’t know why God made me eccentric and kind of childlike. I DO know this “personality” has DRIVEN me straight into the arms of Jesus many times, and I do know that I’ve been able to very effectively minister to a lot of lonely and hurting people.
What was the purpose of this piece?
Well, it WAS therapeutic for me to write it, and it was transparent. If somehow SOMETHING about it ministers to somebody, that will be very good.
2 comments:
I love how transparent you are. Our people relate to you because of it. You are God's chosen one to lead this church. How blessed we are to have you.
Okay................. I'm way too sensitive. Tears for you and tears for me. The only real friend I had through those awkward years you referred to was Jesus and I took much ridicule for that especially from my out going siblings. I held on to that friendship, though. Today, 35+ years later, those siblings of mine have each other and much of the "world". I..................well, I still have Jesus. I think I did okay. I think you did okay too.
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