NICOLE QUINTUS' HEARTBREAKING QUESTIONS

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."  (Matthew 5:4)

There are so many fulfilling and exciting aspects to serving as a full-time minister at a local church.  The wedding ceremonies can be stressful, but they're usually very happy and exciting.  Baby dedication services (in our tradition, we do baby dedications and not infant baptisms) are full of hope.  Baptism services are also joyful- you get very wet in our tradition, but the baptism by total immersion in water marks a new beginning and is a joyful service.  Even funerals of very elderly saints can be positive and joyful experiences as the life of some 90ish Christian is honored and celebrated.  Most of my readers know that I've been on an extended period away from pastoring (after almost thirty years of doing so) and for the most part, I miss full-time ministry very much.

There are also deeply painful, heartbreaking, and seemingly senseless tragedies that every full-time minister has to grapple with from time-to-time.  I must confess, I don't miss those at all.  Several such tragedies were featured as news stories this week.  The one I am focusing on her is the death of little four-year-old Lily Quintus as she sat innocently at a table in a Winter Park, Florida daycare center.  The reckless and irresponsible driver of a speeding car had smashed into another vehicle causing that vehicle to immediately go out of control and slam into the daycare center.  Several little children were seriously injured and Lily Quintus was killed.

Yesterday, Lily's mother, Nicole Quintus was featured on the CBS Evening News broadcast.  In Boston, that television news program is simulcast on radio on WBZ-AM.  I was driving through Medfield, Massachusetts and listening at the time.  No I did not see  Nicole Quintus, but there's something so intimate about radio that to paraphrase the words of a famous ex-President, "I felt her pain."  I really did.  She asked how she could be expected to ever go back to a normal life's routine again, and essentially expressed that she can never get over this terrible and unfair loss.

Young adults graduating from Bible College tend to be so idealistic.  You see the hopeful smiles on their faces.  They've got their leather bound Bibles under their arms, and their Bachelor's degrees, they'll soon be Licensed and later Ordained Ministers, and they're fully ready to take on the world, the flesh, and the devil, and all the problems those entities could possibly throw their way.  And, they're fully expecting to have all the answers and to work miracles.  I know.  I was exactly like that thirty-five years ago.  Now, please don't misunderstand me.  I absolutely believe in miracles!  I absolutely believe in the supernatural!  I absolutely believe in the power of God!  I absolutely believe in the Word of God!  But I also know that there are aspects of life that are unfair, that don't make sense, and that will never make sense.  There will be times when the finest and strongest men and women of God will not know what to do and will not have the answers; but they'll just have to trust God and press on- though they may be privately and inwardly terrified. 

In the thirty-five years since I graduated from Central Bible College (now part of Evangel University), I have experienced a number of answers to prayer, and probably about five genuine supernatural miracles.  Seriously.  I guess that works out to be about one genuine supernatural miracle every seven years or so.  The thing is, when I was graduating from Bible College, I fully expected I'd be experiencing at least five supernatural miracles a month!  I never really expected to face a crisis in my personal life, in my family, or in a church I was pastoring that God would not solve without a mighty supernatural miracle- and quickly for that matter!   That was before my twenty-seven-year old brother Eddie (who'd just become engaged) collapsed, went into cardiac arrest, was put on life supports, and rapidly declined in the course of a few days- before my parents made the agonizing decision to remove all life supports.  That was before my father's Alzheimer's Disease which landed him in a nursing home on the level of (maybe) a one-year-old.  That was before my mother's bone cancer and her terrible depression and telling me on a daily basis that God had "abandoned" her.  (My mother was honestly the most devout Roman Catholic I have ever known- and yes, I was a Catholic before I was a Protestant.)  Those phone conversations tore my heart out!  I remember sobbing in bed to my wife and lamenting, "I can't rescue her!"

If Nicole Quintus has a pastor, I don't envy that clergyman or clergywoman.  Conducting the funeral service of a little child is horrible, and trying to answer the questions of her grieving mother is, well, pretty much impossible.  But, here's what I'd say if I were her pastor:  Grief is a process.  It's part of life; probably the toughest part of life.  I have not experienced the death of a child nor of a grandchild, but I have experienced loss.  The closing of the church I pastored for over twenty years, followed by some serious personal problems, followed by moving out of the house and community I'd lived in for over twenty years, followed by employment at very basic entry-level jobs that I actually found challenging and did not do very well at; followed by "dark nights of the soul" - of intense weeping and self-doubt, and of honestly feeling exactly like my Mom...like I'd been "abandoned" by God.  Yes, I know loss.  I do.  And, for me, some of that is still going on.  I'm still out of the pulpit and out of doing what I really love.  I still have days where I don't have the strength to get out of bed and function but I call upon the name of the Lord, and somehow through His strength- I do it.  And, for Nicole Quintus, she's been thrown into a mess that's unfair and undeserved and will go on for a long time.  It's not right for people to say things to her like "move on"!   Those words were the worst for me:  "move on"!  I know people meant well, but please don't ever say that to someone going through catastrophic grief and loss.  Just be there for them.   You don't necessarily have to say anything to them.  Just listen.  And love.  And be present.  And care.

I think of John Walsh.  His little boy Adam was horribly murdered thirty years ago.  He went through horrific grief and pain.  He turned that into a positive; most of us know the story of America's Most Wanted and all the good Mr. Walsh has done.  It may take several years for Nicole to really get through the worst of it.  She will never forget.  Elements of the pain and loss will always be there.  But, she will get better and she will feel better.  There will be a normalcy that will return- it will actually be a new normal.  God may open up a whole ministry and a very rich fulfilling life for her down the road- something she never would have desired or chosen.

Pray for Nicole Quintus.

Remember that Jesus Christ Himself was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief  (see Isaiah 53:3).

Have compassion on those who grieve.