MISSING IT TODAY

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."  (Matthew 5:4)

Some days I'm totally fine; and some days I really miss it.  Today, I'm really missing it.

You know that bumper sticker that says, "The worst days fishing are better than the best days working"?  Well, I don't know if a New Bedford commercial fisherman would agree with that one, but when I think about my worst days pastoring a church (and believe me there were some really bad days pastoring a church),  I have had to learn the hard way that my worst days pastoring a church were better than my best days have been since then.

Friday nights we usually had Bible study.  There usually wasn't a huge attendance; honestly.  But I really had fun spreading study books all around my office and preparing the Bible study.  (Yeah, I didn't usually do my preparation on-line, I tended to do it the old fashioned way!)  Right about now, the books would be spread all over my office and I'd be making notes about this or that or photocopying question or study sheets to use.

Today, I'm really missing it.

I miss going to the church building early on Sunday mornings and turning the coffee on.   I miss teaching Adult Sunday School.  I really loved that.  And, for the most part, I was good at it.  I miss preaching Sunday sermons.  Honestly, some of them were terrible, but (thank God) most of them were pretty good!  

I miss when someone would tell me that something I said or taught five weeks or five years ago positively impacted them and changed their life for the better.  (Well, sometimes I still have someone tell me that, but just not as much.)

I miss going to ministers' activities, whether it was activities and events in my own Assemblies of God, or whether it was community clergy activities in the community.  (I remember, for instance, being on the committee that organized the one year anniversary Memorial service/event for 9/11.  That was very special.)

I will say that over the past four years of being outside of paid pastoral ministry, I have learned a lot about real life.  I think I've now got a Master's Degree in the School of Hard Knocks.  I guess maybe I was kind of insulated in some sort of a spiritual ivory tower.  I would never have thought that was the case, but frankly, I suppose it was.   During these four years, I have learned quite a lot about real life and real people and real struggles.  Frankly, some of the struggles and problems have been my own, and others have been watching acquaintances who have crossed my path navigate through some very difficult stuff.  In the words of my good friend Gene Sorbo, these are things that I, "would not have signed up for"!

Lately, I'm having a lot of dreams in which I'm about to step into a pulpit and open a service, or I'm about to step into a pulpit and preach a sermon, or I'm about to teach a class.  In these dreams, I'm feeling absolutely electric with excitement!  Then, with the suddenness of an unexpected and extremely nearby flash of lightning and clap of thunder,  I find myself awake in my bed!  It's usually about 4 a.m.  When that happens, waking up in my bed is the last place I want to be!   The shock and disappointment is indescribable.

I used to write a lot of these type of pieces on my blog and in other places.   I was counseled against doing so, and thus I have not written anything like this for a long while.  I'm not sure I can adequately explain this, but today I really needed to "let it out".  I realize that during my years of pastoring I was in a lot of denial about a lot of things.  I know that when denial is stripped away, harsh reality steps in with a vengeance.   Yes, I took a lot of things for granted.   I frankly thought that what has happened to me,  could never happen!

Listen, if you are a pastor or an associate pastor, or in any other full time ministry, please don't take it for granted; and please be open to what the Holy Spirit wants to say or do in your life.  Remember:  it can all be taken away!

My prayer and dream right now is that somewhere, some way, some how,  I can use my ministry gifts again, even if only (as it were) a shadow of what I did in my past.   Yes, that's my prayer and my dream.