...AMERICAN REVIVAL...?

Tonight, the 6th season of “American Idol” begins on the FOX television network.  I’m one of those for whom “American Idol” is a MUST SEE television program.  I’ve enjoyed the reruns from past seasons which the CW Network has been running on weekends, but it will be great to have new shows on FOX.  The auditions of some of the best and some of the worst singers imaginable, such as we’ll see tonight, make for riveting viewing.  

Being eccentric and (to use some people’s description) “crazy”, I’ve let my imagination run this week and wondered what it would be like if “American Idol” were instead known as “American REVIVAL”: a speaking competition between various clergymen (and women).  I think that would be a blast!  You know those, “a priest, a minister, and a rabbi” jokes?  Well here’s my fantasy of “American REVIVAL” featuring a priest, a minister, and a rabbi:

The “American REVIVAL” theme (which sounded remarkably like Sly and the Family Stone’s “We Are Family”) came blasting over the airwaves, and then Randy, Paula, and Simon were introduced.  The first audition was The Priest, Father Tom O’Rourke from suburban Detroit, Michigan.  O’Rourke looked to be about 60, but his resume stated he’d been ordained a priest in 2004.  

“Man, is this RIGHT...Ordained in ‘04?!” Randy exclaimed.

“I should know,” Father replied, “the priesthood is a second career for me.”

“Really?” asked Paula, “What was your first career?”

“Television critic for a major daily newspaper,” he bluntly replied.

“What are you going to do for us?” asked Simon.  
Father Tom replied he would recite a brief portion of the mass.
“Off you go!” said Simon.

Tom’s delivery was pretty flat, almost like someone reading the phone book aloud.  “Through Him, With Him, In Him, all Glory is yours Almighty Father, forever and ever,” proclaimed Father O’Rourke.

“I think we’ve heard quite enough,” quipped Simon.

O’Rourke insisted upon continuing.
“The mass is ended, go in peace,” he said nervously.
“Thanks be to God!” Simon replied.

Now, it was the time to decide if O’Rourke would move on to the next round.  Paula made the most positive comments.  Enamored with the priest’s vestments and modern stole which was covered with peace symbols, she said, “Oh, Father, I LOVE your outfit!  For me it’s a yes!”

“Dog.”  said Randy.  “That justdidn’t do it for me.  I’m gonna have to say no.”

“It’s a NO!” yelled Simon.
“Make a good Act of Contrition!” Simon added.

The next contestant was Rabbi Suzanne Plotner from Long Island, New York.  The three judges seemed startled that Rabbi Plotner was no older than 35, pretty, and wearing a tasteful Burgundy dress.

“I was expecting a Hassidic Jewish old man!”  said Simon.
Paula quickly gave him a playful punch.  “Will you STOP being so SEXIST?” she cried.

“Do I call you Rabbi or Rabb-ette?” asked Randy.

“Call me Suzanne.” she said, proceeding to recite a litany of Hebrew prayers.  After three minutes of reciting Hebrew prayers, Rabbi Plotner recited the 23rd Psalm in English, which was familiar to all.

“The only word from the Hebrew I can remember was ‘Baruch’” said Randy.
“I think I heard that at a Bar-Mitzvah one time.”  
Rabbi Plotner explained that “Baruch” means “Blessed”.

“DOG!” Randy yelled excitedly, “You sold me!  You got SOUL!  I vote yes!”

Paula sadly shook her head.  “I’m...I’m sorry...” she stammered, “but I’ve just never enjoyed hearing sermons in foreign languages.  I think you have to say something people can understand.  I have to pass!”
“It’s a NO!” yelled Simon, adding, “There’s a job at a kibbutz in Israel just waiting for you!”

Next, the minister walked in.  The Rev. Clancy Studebaker, from Cape Cod, Massachusetts, wore a dark brown suit,  with a large silver cross hung from a large-linked chain  around his neck.  

“What’s with the silver cross?” asked Simon.

“Well, I’m part of the religious LEFT,” Studebaker began, sounding more feminine than masculine, “but I don’t want anybody to tell me I’m not a Christian!”

“What do you have to present?” Simon probed.

Studebaker replied that it was an important piece of philosophy he’d recently read as part of a sermon.  The good Reverend then proceeded to read Karl Marx’s, “Communist Manifesto” aloud.

“Well, I’LL tell you, you’re no Christian!”  Simon boldly exclaimed immediately upon Studebaker’s finish.

“Simon,” that’s so terrible, Paula stated, her eyes filling with tears.
“He wears that beautiful cross!   He’s such a good Christian. I say yes!”

“Man...” Randy was shaking his head, “my old grandma’s turnin’ over in her grave.  Dog!  You can’t read no Karl Marx in place of a Bible.  You didn’t do it to me!  For me, it’s gotta be a no!”

“Go start a peace march!” Simon yelled, mocking the Rev. Studebaker who sadly shuffled away.

“Are we THROUGH?!” Simon wanted to know.

After an embarrassingly long pause, Ryan Seacrest announced that a rather young Jewish carpenter wanted to say a few words.

“Well, this is appalling!  I say no!”  yelled Simon.

“Dog!”  cried Randy as the young man walked out before the panel, “Are you a Jew or a Christian or what?  Are you a Rabbi or a preacher or what?”

The young man just stood and smiled.

“You make me nervous,” Paula said.  “I mean, no offense, but you need some make up.  I can see some kind of scars in your hands.  Were you in the Iraq war or something?”

Standing to his feet, Simon said (almost shouting), “Well it’s CERTAIN you’re NOT what ANY of us are looking for!  What’s the MEANING of you even being here!  No one would want to listen to you for one moment!”

The young Jewish carpenter just smiled, saying only one thing,
“...I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (from John 14:6)

Suddenly, all three judges got on their knees, bowing to the ground!
(See Philippians 2:11-13).

Now, wouldn’t you like to see THAT?!