EASY AS TYING A SHOE

“...let him do it as of the ability which God giveth...” (from I Peter 4:11)

I know probably only people over 50 (like me) will remember the television show, “My Favorite Martian”.  The show ran on CBS in the 1960s.  It starred Ray Walston as the Martian and Bill Bixby (who was Bruce Banner on “The Incredible Hulk” about fifteen years later).  There was a scene in “My Favorite Martian” where the Martian, commenting about something, says to the Bill Bixby character, “It’s as easy as tying a shoe!”.  The camera then pans over to Bill Bixby’s shoes.  The laces were all untied and just loosely flopping about!

If not for a very stern father, I would have been the next Bill Bixby!  I know most kids around 3 or 4 proudly start all the “I can do it myself” stuff, whether it’s drawing their own bath water, getting a bowl of cereal, brushing their hair or tying their shoes.  My kids tended to do the “I can do it myself” routine, and that was especially true of Amy who is getting married next month.  I was NOT that kind of kid.  I guess I was planning to be a welfare recipient or something because I expected everything to be done for me!  At age seven and a half I still could not fathom how to master tying a shoe, and I certainly had no interest in learning.  My mother tied my shoes every day...well, until this one day in the summer of 1962 at the cottage where we were staying on Cape Cod.  My father got so angry with me!  He told me, “You’re not getting out of that chair until you have learned to tie a shoe!”  Nobody could lecture like my father.  Nobody.  And he laid into a fifteen-minute lecture and shoe tying demonstration that was about as pleasing to me as being an inmate at Walpole prison would have been...well, actually, compared to my father’s lecture and demand...as long as I could have been in protective custody, I think I WOULD have preferred Walpole prison!  It took awhile, but yes, I learned to tie, and untie, and tie, and untie a shoe that day...and I even learned the fine skill of double knotting.

What’s weird is, I have never forgotten that. It’s good in that I can tie and untie a shoe.  But it’s bad in that I NEVER tie or untie a shoe without mentally going to that chair and that lecture on Cape Cod in 1962.  Never.  On Friday, I came in from shoveling show, and as I tediously untied the laces of my boots, I was there at Cape Cod being told “You’re not getting out of that chair until you have learned to tie a shoe!” 

I know my father was right.  But, here’s another item for all you amateur “shrinks” out there.  To this day, I hate “tie shoes”!  Those of you  who know me personally will notice that most of my dress shoes are loafers, and whenever I can get sneakers (“tennis shoes” for you midwesterners) which use velcro rather than standard laces, I will do so.  Now, I DO  own some sneakers, some shoes, and boots with laces, but to this day, I hate them.  I was reading somewhere that “tie shoes” came onto the market around 1900.  Before that, women’s shoes were fastened with buttons and men’s shoes with buckles.  You know, “one-two, buckle my shoe!”. 

I’ve often said that to me the guy who invented air conditioning is a hero.  (Yeah, I know it’s ruining the atmosphere, but...he’s still a hero to me!)  Well, I know this will sound terrible, but to me, the guy who invented “tie shoes” is a bum!  Now, the VELCRO shoe guy? ... he’s a hero!