OFFENSES

“But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6)
“As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.” (Galatians 6:10)

This posting may mark two FIRSTS:
1a. I believe this is the first time I have started a posting with TWO Bible references rather than one.
1b. I believe this may be the soonest after I’ve posted one entry on the blog that I’m back posting another one.

The last posting on the blog was very “spiritual” and kind of deep. I considered it pretty significant; something I wanted to be the lead posting on the blog for a few days for people to read and think about.

I did not realize that this evening’s dinner conversation would be, well, kind of like accidentally falling off the Golden Gate bridge, instantly being mauled by a sea monster, and then having the misfortune to wash ashore and somehow survive.

At supper, my wife Mary Ann asked me an innocent enough question:

“Did you send the Nelsons (NOT their real name) a tape of Sunday morning’s service?” (Yeah, I’m kind of embarrassed about it but we’re still doing tapes. We hope to begin offering CDs by early ‘09.) (The Nelsons are a couple who were away on vacation this past weekend.)

“Yes I did!” I calmly and kind of happily said.

She looked as though I’d announced that her mother had just been murdered.

Mary Ann then asked how I could possibly have sent the Nelsons a tape when there was material on it that they could find highly offensive and even insulting. My 25-year-old son Jon and I were incredulous.

“What material?...What could they possibly find offensive on that tape?” we both asked almost in unison.

Mary Ann reminded me that I had mentioned from the pulpit that another parishioner was on vacation in Seattle and then mentioned that they were on vacation at a small New England city just down the road from where they live.

“It sounded like you thought their vacation was stupid...like it was a stupid place to go...and I happen to know they had a great time.”

I realized I’d announced at prayer time that we needed to pray for those who were away and I did kind of make a “tongue-in-cheek” comment that one person was in Seattle and the Nelsons were in that small New England City. I kind of did that humorous smirking thing you’d use saying something like to a valet like, “Well, my friend here has the $38,000 2009 Lexus coupe, and you’ll have to be REALLY careful with mine ‘cause I’ve got the 20-year-old blue hatchback that looks like something a teenager would drive in a demolition derby!” (Incidentally, if you’ve seen my car, I really DO!) I tend to make silly tongue-in-cheek comments like that.

My son said, “Mom, he wasn’t REALLY meaning anything bad about their vacation! He was just kind of humorously comparing it to Seattle. No one would possibly take offense at THAT.”

She wasn’t convinced.

“You know, there were also a couple of things said in the course of the sermon that people could possibly take the wrong way.” she added.

Then, “Bob, what if they ARE offended? What if they are hurt? What are YOU going to tell them?”

I replied that I would certainly NEVER send a couple a tape if I thought it would hurt or offend them. I also said that if I’d really intended malice toward them in what I said, I’d make sure they never heard the tape; but again, I sent it because it never occurred to me that they could possibly be offended and that I had no malice toward them in anything said on Sunday.

It’s too soon to know if the tape really DID offend the Nelsons or not.

I know, I know. If Mary Ann reads this blog piece SHE will be offended. Well, MAYBE, but I hope not! In all fairness to Mary Ann, she DID have some valid points. It’s something I’m very troubled by and very ashamed by, but in the twenty-years I’ve been pastor of First Assembly of God of Framingham, MANY people have left the church saying I deeply offended them. In fact, I’d say that at least 60% of the people who have left First Assembly of God of Framingham since 1987, and there are lots of them, have left for that reason. In most cases I was shocked and surprised. In most cases, I was totally clueless that I’d said or done something that was offensive. Ironically, just a few days ago, someone who left the church told me they read something on this blog that intensely offended them. That was another huge shock.

This business of people offending people and being offended. Wow. It’s complicated. And, I’ve got to tell you, in most cases, I just don’t get it! My father died in 2000, and since he was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s Disease when he died, to me it’s like he really died around 1994. Over the past few days, I’ve been really missing him- and we weren’t close. But I miss that fact that he’d “have it out with you”- he’d TELL YOU OFF, but then it was COMPLETELY OVER WITH like it never happened. There was NONE of this long-term “being offended” stuff. I miss him. I miss that.

Something happened in my life a few days ago that could have left me offended- that SHOULD have left me very offended. A person I think a lot of really let me down, in my opinion. Yeah, I started to stew about it a little bit. But then I thought about it and I prayed about it. I realized I’ve failed people many times. When I fail people, I want them to extend grace to me....to show me grace...to love me...to forgive me...to give me another chance. I decided to extend grace to that person, and it felt so good to just LET THE STUPID OFFENSE GO!

Yeah, I could take offense at things. I’m in a pastors’ prayer and support group that meets every other Wednesday morning. The guy who leads it is a very seasoned, classy, mature minister. He’s taught me so much. I’ll call him “Mike” but that’s not his real name. One time about two years ago, I showed up for the group. Mike asked me how I was doing. I just kind of calmly and matter-of-factly said, “O.K.”

All of a sudden, Mike launched into this big weird display of sarcastic, mocking behavior toward me. He’s never done it before or since. He called me EEYORE (you know, the Winnie the Pooh donkey?!) He kept saying,
“EEYORE, EEYORE, I’m O.K. I’m O.K. BOB’S EEYORE. BOB’S EEYORE. ..... EEYORE!! EEYORE!!”

I wanted to say something like, “Mike are you DRUNK or something?!”
I could really have gotten offended. I could have walked out and never come back. I could even have done that AND said a lot of nasty things about him to others. I realized I’d be wrong to do that. Maybe Mike hadn’t had enough sleep. Maybe Mike was under stress. Maybe Mike had problems HE couldn’t deal with and he was just venting. I still think it was inappropriate, but I’ve forgiven him. That happened ONE time in 5 years and all the others he’s been fine. Again, I extended grace, love, and forgiveness to him, as I’d expect to be extended to me.

About six months ago, I was at a social gathering and a guy I’ve known for many years asked me if I’d ever had a colonoscopy. I hadn’t and I still haven’t. He got kind of perturbed, looked me right in the face and said, “THEN YOU’RE A FOOL!!” Now, a lot of people would have taken offense to that one. And I admit, it was maybe a bit much. But I know this guy. I know that’s his way. A casual observer might think he had little regard for me. I know the exact opposite is true. He’s really a LOT like my late father. He says exactly what he thinks. He told me that because he’s concerned about my health. I know SOME people would have been really offended at that one. I wasn’t.

I suspect some of you are wondering if I ran this piece by my wife before posting it. I didn’t

Will she be offended?

I hope not, but maybe.

If she is, you guessed it, I hope she’ll extend grace, love, forgiveness, all that stuff to me.

And, I’m really hoping the “Nelsons” are not offended by anything on their tape, but if they are, well I hope they will too!

If you want to leave a comment, please do! I trust I won’t be offended.
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